Merry Christmas Darling
by RchHghr
Summary: The thoughts of Remus Lupin on Christmas Eve. Takes place during Half-Blood Prince.


Disclaimer: I do not own anything. This one shot goes along to the songs by Merry Christmas, Darling – Carpenters and Blue Christmas- Celine Dion It's the thoughts of Remus Lupin during the Christmas season; takes place in Half Blood Prince.

Why did I make her leave? Why did I tell her I didn't want her anymore? I gave her every excuse in the book of why we can't be together and after pushing her away for so long she is now actually gone, and now it's Christmas. It's the happiest time of the year to be together and celebrate that and I can't do that because she is gone. She left and is not coming back.

But she fought; she really did refusing to believe what I was saying. She told me she was indifferent, that things didn't affect her, She didn't care what people said; she didn't even care what I said. She only liked to hear what she was saying and what she was thinking when it came to feeling something for someone and knowing that feeling was right.

She marches to her own drum, having the skills only many want to possess. She's a Metamorphmangus meaning she can change her being at will and believe me, she does. She mainly takes the cosmetic forms but when she needs it she can actually fool one into thinking she is that character she wants to play; unless she has one of her "accidents." With those she is exposed or injured. The poor girl will never heal completely; she is simply off-balanced. She can barely stand on her own two feet most of the time, and I think that's one of the reasons why I fell in love with her. That's even how I met her. See we're both part of this secret society, that's all I'm going to say.

My best friend, God rest his soul, her cousin, told me that his cousin would be the newest member in the war to fight Voldermort. But when she didn't show up on time I doubted her alliance would really show her as being something less than she was. I watched the doubt on the other members faces except for two: Sirius's and Kingsley Shacklebolt. They did not share in this.

The worst is a school mate of mine and current professor at Hogswart, Severus Snape. He clearly knew her and was disgusted with this.

But as for being late she held her head up high and came to take a seat next to me but tripped and fell on top of me. Luckily I got her, but there was nothing to trip on so it was a mystery of how it happened. I guess one could say now that she fell for me.

She regained herself and introduced herself to me and even shook my hand; her fingers were ice cold in the summer, another mystery. For the girl it would be the quietest I'd ever saw her. She sat back and listened the whole time with full attention.

After the meeting she talked to friends she knew and then she approached her cousin a bit unsure and they kind of just looked at each other. He made a comment I couldn't hear and then they hugged. It turned out she was made for this and she was made for me.

One day Sirius slipped to her my condition and she looked shocked for a second, but then she burst into tears telling me that it was unfair that someone like me would have to suffer. She didn't see the monster in me as I do myself. I don't know if it's a defense she's built inside herself but she doesn't let things bother her until me. Now, I think I broke her heart more than events that have taken place this year.

But before that, after so much pushing her away I broke down and let her in and we got close, I mean real close and she made me real happy. Someone like her, to know she will be there for you every night, everyday, no matter what made me truly happy. I never thought I could be happy but I was.

But when my condition took front row on days I couldn't take to being by her side I distraught her causing her to break down, but she never gave up. She'd sit with me and hold me through it all. I hated bringing her to tears but I'm a monster.

Then came the roughest time in her life. Students from the school stole away to the Ministry and we had to go in and save them, only one didn't make it out. He was not supposed to go but he went anyways and now he's gone, my best mate and her cousin, Sirius Black.

So besides healing from injuries and taking that in stride she was a complete mess. I wanted to help her to the best of my abilities but I was also battling demons and the lost. It was a mess for a while, but she tried to keep a smile or laugh in her.

I just stopped. I couldn't do it. I'm a monster and I'd just end up hurting her. I can't give her anything she deserves. I'm too old, too poor and worst of all I'm dangerous. Someone like her deserves someone who'll only protect her and never have to constantly worry that they will take her out. It's not fair for her to think I could do that for her so I did it. I broke her heart. I started the fight and told her to go after something that she should have and she fought me on it for a while but I never broke and it eventually broke her down. Defeated she cried and I walked away. I walked away from her leaving her there to pick herself up.

What is wrong with me? And to do it before Christmas!

She told me once that Christmas was her favorite holiday, not because of the presents or food, but because she had so many people in her life that she could count on, that would never let her fall and kept her grounded when she felt it was all too much and she wanted to quit. She told me that for me this Christmas she would thank me for loving her. But I did her wrong, I let the holiday hit her hard and now she isn't getting what she wanted.

Why did I even have to love her? Why did she have to enter my life? Because of forces that surround me I tend to isolate myself, but for her I let her in and then I spit her back out. I did something worse than not letting her in. I done the worst thing I could do to her, I lied to her. I do love her. I feel like a different man because of her, like it doesn't matter about the monster inside of me or what those think of me. She never cared about my age, or what could be provided. She just cared about us, together, knowing we love each other and would be there every night and through those nights where everything just felt stressed and out of control.

I do want her back, but I know it's best if I don't.

I raise the glass of gin in the air for a toast. "To you Nymphadora, may you find a bright star in the dark sky tonight…"

Hope you all enjoyed this little tid-bit. Merry Christmas.


End file.
